Monday, August 16, 2010

bitter and better...

I am still struggling to keep my mind set on things that only matters; but apparently, I am not that strong.. as yet.. somehow.. his messages still affects me....

After my Cebu trip, I promised myself, I left every trash in Cebu.. I left my old self and I left my heart that loved him all this time. A couple of weeks after, he sent me a message.. asking how am i doing and he doesnt even know that i was furious of him before.. good thing I wasnt there to answer it immediately. I guess part of it came home with me.. I must admit, I haven't stopped loving him.. He will always have a special part in my life.. he was and will always be my bestfriend.. my confidante and a the love that can never be.. but he will always be that.. and that alone. No more holding on to the thoughts of "what if" and "if only" cause there is the term... It could never be... and Its not meant to be .. cause if you keep on "holding on", you can never move on and find the love that you truly deserve as your focus would remain on that particular person.

But nevertheless.. we shall not let that person have a control over your life.. Or ruin it to such extent.. I admit.. I used to let him do that.. let him have control over me.. but truth shall truly find its way.. and with that.. that made me think.. it made me realize how much of a fool i was.. but one good thing is that.. I was a fool once, twice.. but the third time is wayyy to different... it could be a poison.. good thing.. I am still in my right mind not to do anything.. too drastic.. and this made me realize how much I have been missing..missing my life.. as an individual.. as a sole identity.. Now I am a better person.. bitter... yes.. in a way.. but without the bitterness.. how can you be a better person right?

I dont hate him.. I can never afford to hate such a person as hatred is such aa strong word.. I just despise him.. joke.. Im angry,, of what he had done.. how could he even lie.. even if its only for the sake of friendship right? well.. what has been done is done.. and damage can not be repaired to be the same as new. Forgiveness is possible.. but for now.. I have to start my life.. without memories of him.. hunting me down.. Painful memories that are better forgotten and keep the wonderful memoriess of what HAS been...giving me a reason to smile.. after all the pain has passed me by.

6 comments:

Espila said...

Your words really spoke to me. Thanks for charing your feelings. It is so amazing to realise that someone else also are going through simiular things as one self. I hope it now will be better for u, and not bitter. Thanks. :)

Ishmael Fischer Ahab said...

I do hope that you could move on.

Move on and move forward my good friend.

Anonymous said...

History repeats itself.

Roxy said...

Hannah. :)been there. Done that. It's a very strong feeling, you cant just put it all away or leave it behind. If you think things will work out, fight for it. If not, move on. Let me tell you a little something about my experience after I moved on.. Once you've moved on, You will have this wall built... It is understandable to an extent because you are scared to love again... BUT remember the person that manages to break that wall, you will feel it. You will know if he's the right person for you ;)

By the way, please update your blog list. This is my new blogpage. ;)

http://foxyroxyloxy.blogspot.com/

nahj12 said...

Thanks guys.. am ok now.. ;) .. much happier..


Roxy - blog link updated ;)

Roxy said...

Hiya Hannah ;)

Thanks! you're such a doll :P When can we get some updates?

cheers x